Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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