Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
