turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
