May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
