i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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