he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
