i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
