He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
