Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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