you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
