I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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