I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
