my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
