Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
