you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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