we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
