He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
