Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
