people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
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No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
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And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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