I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.