My liver just broke up with me...
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.