Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.