Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house