just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
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On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
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Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.