But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up