i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
