my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Randomize
