FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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