you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
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She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
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It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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