I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
