I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
