It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
