That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
