There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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