It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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