Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
