everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
