yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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