Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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