There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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