I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
