I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
