he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
