I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
