I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
