I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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