My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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