Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
