I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
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yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
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Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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