Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
