I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I think a kid would responsible me up
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
