doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
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But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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