Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
