It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
