Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
