threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
50% drunk capacity currently
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
