The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
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If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
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The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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