if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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