tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
