My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
